Update

I hadn't realized it's been a couple of months since my last post. Life has been a bit crazy around here.

But...despite the craziness things are good. Back in March we had our visit with our Reproductive Endocrinologist. After talking with us for awhile he was totally optimistic about our chance of getting pregnant, and has been all along.

This was nice to here...but you just never know.

I started back on Clomid....Yuck!! So basically I'm an emotional basket case with very little patience...not a good combination!

At first, my doctor was going to allow me to stay on Clomid for up to 6 cycles. We'll see if he wants to stick to this plan after my next visit with him in a couple of weeks. My body is responding to the fertility drugs. Maybe a little too well....

There is a risk for anyone on fertility treatments to have multiple births. This is because the drugs help you produce follicles...multiple follicles in some cases, and you will ovulate from BOTH ovaries.

My doctor does routine ultrasounds during various days of my cycle. On day 13 they check to see how many ovulatory range follicles I have developed. If they are a good size then they send me home with a needle and syringe and I give myself a shot. This shot will make me ovulate within 36 hours, and all eggs will be released.

When I went in for my last ultrasound I about feel off the table when the Nurse Practitioner told me just how many follicles I had that were going to ovulate.

...I knew it would be a few...I had four released on my last cycle...

Well this time it was more, if you can believe it. So what does this mean??

It means that IF I actually get pregnant I have a huge chance of having multiple births.

Am I worried?...No

Is my doctor worried?...YES...so maybe that means I should be to...but I'm not.

I know this is not in my control. I know this isn't even in my doctor's control. It's in the Lords hands, and it will work out the way heavenly father has planned for us.

If I had a choice I would rather not have all our children come at the same time but if it takes me ovulating 6 eggs so that 1 or 2 will make it...I'm all for it.

But then again, that's IF I can actually get pregnant. It not that I don't have faith. I'm just not getting my hopes too high...

...I'm protecting my heart.

Fears, frustrations, and what I have learned...

In February 2007 My husband and I walked through the doors to the Overlake Reproductive Health Clinic for the first time. This is where we would begin the next 7 months of intense infertility treatments with a board certified Reproductive Endocrinologist(RE). There are only 10 in the entire state of Washington.

Those 7 months were both physically and emotionally painful. After numerous procedures, blood tests, ultrasounds, one surgery and 2 cycles on clomid, my husband and I decided we needed a break. I remember being angry at myself for feeling weak... for feeling like I couldn't take the emotional stress. I didn't understand why I was letting myself get so emotionally involved. After all we had been trying to get pregnant for 3.5 years...it's not like I wasn't used to disappointment.

However no matter how hard I tried to be strong...to be numb, I couldn't help but feel. Seeing an RE gave me Hope...having insurance that paid every penny of our treatments gave me hope...feeling the spirits of our unborn children so close to my heart gave me hope. Hope that someday I would be able to fulfill what I felt was part of the measure of my creation. That I could accomplish what was so divinely unique about me as a woman.

What made these feeling's a little more bearable was the fact that we already had an absolutely gorgeous little girl who, by nothing short of a miracle, became part of our eternal family through adoption.

It has now been five months since our last appointment. These past five months have been spent trying to find myself, falling more in love than ever before with an amazing man who has been my shoulder to cry on, and giving my precious little girl lots of extra hugs and kisses.

It has been during this time that I have learned a lot about myself. I have learned to let myself grieve, to let myself feel absolute despair, and to not feel guilty for longing deep within my soul to have another child when I know there are so many who are still waiting for their opportunity to be parents.

Infertility has honestly been the most challenging trial I have ever faced. At times it is a battle that you feel is fought alone. This is when I have come to understand that the Atonement of our Savior can do more than make right your wrongs...it can comfort and heal a broken heart.

So this is how I feel...and this is what I fear...

On March 4th we are going back to see our RE. For the past few weeks there has been a gentle tugging at my heart prompting me to make this appointment. However, I am scared that this time I will be told the one thing I am so afraid to hear.

It has been 54 months since My husband and I first decided to start our family. Those years have been filled with happiness, sorrow, joy, and despair. We have come to understand something very important...God blesses his children with the righteous desires of their hearts, and if you take a step back and for a moment forget about your discouragements, you will see how truly blessed you are.

Current Likes...

This has been a rough couple of weeks! I'm super busy with my calling as Enrichment Counselor. Isabella is acting very much like a two year old, and Jared has been working long hours...putting in lots of overtime.

I seriously need a vacation!

However a vacation isn't likely to happen anytime in the near furute so in the meantime I am finding some things that will help me keep my sanity...at least for a little longer.

This is what I am currently digging:

A Fine Frenzy

I Love, Love, Love this! Beautiful Voice...incredible lyrics.

Next up is this...

Thank you PBS for broadcasting my favorite love stories.

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And last but not least...what would I do without...

Sometimes it's more fun to loose yourself in the middle of highschool drama...not to mention the oh so dreamy Jordan Catalano...than tackle that huge pile of laundry staring you in the face!

So these are my current likes. Someday they may change, but at least they are helping me get through this week:)

What Dreams May Come...

For the past three weeks I have been Taking Ambien to help me sleep. I have had problems sleeping for as long as I can remember and I have put off taking a sleep aid for a very long time. For the most part it is working. I fall asleep quickly, and stay asleep. However, I have been having some pretty crazy dreams since I started on this little pill.


Most recently My dreams have included taking the actress Kiera Knightly to a church dance where she asked someone for directions, then was in a car accident on the way to her destination. Poor girl!


The most memorable one was a few nights ago where my dream consisted of Jared and I going on a date and our chosen babysitter for the evening was Oscar the Grouch. He did a great job with Bella so I would recommend him to anyone:)



Jared suggested to me that I should start writing these dreams down for our future posterity...Ya, good idea...so our kids can see how truly crazy their mother is!

Our Gift

I always get sentimental around this time of year. It's not just because it's Christmas...it's because this is the time of year that we were given the greatest blessing. Two years ago Jared and I received the most incredible gift from the most incredible person. I have been thinking a lot about adoption...mostly about our daughter's adoption. How everything fell perfectly into place.

The gratitude we have in our hearts for our dear Michon is like nothing we have ever felt before. We will continue to give thanks everyday for her ultimate sacrifice. It's difficult to find the words that can properly describe what we feel in our hearts, but this week I came across something that may be a start.

The Gift We Could Not Give Each Other

When I was a little girl I held my dolls like children

Dreaming of the day when I'd have babies of my own

When the news was shared with me

That all those dreams could never be

It became the deepest grief my heart had ever known

There's a man who tried his best to comfort me with roses

Promising he'd find a way to make those dreams come true

He did everything he could

To heal my heart but nothing would

And when it seemed that we'd done everything that faith could do

A wondrous gift was given with a phone call straight from heaven

"There's a child that's nearly due that a young girl's giving you"

She gave more than just one life when she made of this man and wife

A father and a mother when she gave the gift

We could not give each other

More than words can ever say

Our hearts give thanks to heaven

Every time we hold this child we feel we hold the world

Words will never be enough to share the way our family feels

But with every breath we breathe we want to tell that girl

Not a day is ever through

Till we thank the Lord for you

And sweetness lingers here

In our thoughts and prayers

You gave more than just one life

When you made this man and wife a father and a mother

And you gave the gift we could not give each other

You have changed our lives forever

Only you and God above could give the gift of love

we could not give each other

A song from the Book "From Gods Arms To my Arms To Yours" by Michael McLean

Growing Up...

Almost two years ago our little Isabella arrived and turned our world upside down...in the best possible way. As I look back through the countless baby photos, it is strange to think that not so long ago she was this tiny infant, so pure, so helpless. Now my sweet baby girl is no longer a baby at all. She runs and jumps, dances, twirls, and her need for me is slowly becoming less and less as she ventures into this new stage of "I can do it myself!" I am very excited for what the future holds for this little girl, but at the same time I do feel a little sad.

Maybe I'm sad because I realize that someday she won't really need me at all, she probably won't even want to be near me. She'll continue to grow up, make decisions on her own, and inevitably have her heart broken and possibly some dreams crushed along the way...All of which I know are necessary experiences in order for her to reach her full potential.

Then again maybe I'm sad because I want to be the mother of another child. I want my daughter to be a big sister. However, I know the amount of courage, the amount of faith, the amount of heartache it takes to bring my children into this world. I also know that I am not in control of this.

So at night when I am singing my daughter to sleep I will continue to just stare at my sweet girl. Her delicate long fingers. Her sweet button nose. Her rosy cheeks, and her beautiful black hair. These are the times when I will realize how blessed I am to even have this child in my life, to be a mother.

I will continue to weep for my child, to worry, to feel so completely inadequate, and continue to fall to my knees in absolute despair over this little girl. Until one day she will do the same for her little ones. It is very sad that we poor so much of ourselves into our children for what seems like such a short time and then they are grown...but the amount of happiness and the unbelievable blessings we receive makes it all worth it.

For now I will try to cherish this time when my daughter is still so young and does need her mother very much. Yes, I will try to cherish the tantrums, the screaming, the throwing of various objects. And I will most definitely cherish the hugs, the snuggles, and the kisses. Unfortunately these moments will someday only be memories...but how sweet those memories will be.

Overwhelmed

There have been many times in my life where I have felt overwhelmed. This time is no different. What is different is the fact that this overwhelming feeling probably won't go away anytime soon...and this is why...

Not only am I the Ward Music Chair...yes, me...who has not a single musical bone in my entire body...but now I am also the Enrichment Counselor in the Relief Society Presidency. Wait it gets better...we have just released the Enrichment Leader and the entire board just 6 weeks before our big December activity.

(Can you hear my screams of panic??)

Oh and by the way I am teaching on Sunday!

So, aside from the fact that I feel completely clueless, I do have something to smile about. After 22 months of sheer exhaustion (for all parties involved), Isabella is finally sleeping through the night.

(Feel free to join me in a song of hallelujah!)

For those of you who are wondering why on earth it took us this long to get our daughter to sleep through the night...don't worry...I have read Baby Wise, I have let her cry it out (for up to three hours at a time), we have tried every idea any one person has ever offered to us. We have been to doctors, tried medications, and had our patience tested in ways I never thought possible, and have inevitably felt like a very mean mother. Bella just has an extremely strong will, something we pray will serve her well through her adolescence.