Fears, frustrations, and what I have learned...

In February 2007 My husband and I walked through the doors to the Overlake Reproductive Health Clinic for the first time. This is where we would begin the next 7 months of intense infertility treatments with a board certified Reproductive Endocrinologist(RE). There are only 10 in the entire state of Washington.

Those 7 months were both physically and emotionally painful. After numerous procedures, blood tests, ultrasounds, one surgery and 2 cycles on clomid, my husband and I decided we needed a break. I remember being angry at myself for feeling weak... for feeling like I couldn't take the emotional stress. I didn't understand why I was letting myself get so emotionally involved. After all we had been trying to get pregnant for 3.5 years...it's not like I wasn't used to disappointment.

However no matter how hard I tried to be strong...to be numb, I couldn't help but feel. Seeing an RE gave me Hope...having insurance that paid every penny of our treatments gave me hope...feeling the spirits of our unborn children so close to my heart gave me hope. Hope that someday I would be able to fulfill what I felt was part of the measure of my creation. That I could accomplish what was so divinely unique about me as a woman.

What made these feeling's a little more bearable was the fact that we already had an absolutely gorgeous little girl who, by nothing short of a miracle, became part of our eternal family through adoption.

It has now been five months since our last appointment. These past five months have been spent trying to find myself, falling more in love than ever before with an amazing man who has been my shoulder to cry on, and giving my precious little girl lots of extra hugs and kisses.

It has been during this time that I have learned a lot about myself. I have learned to let myself grieve, to let myself feel absolute despair, and to not feel guilty for longing deep within my soul to have another child when I know there are so many who are still waiting for their opportunity to be parents.

Infertility has honestly been the most challenging trial I have ever faced. At times it is a battle that you feel is fought alone. This is when I have come to understand that the Atonement of our Savior can do more than make right your wrongs...it can comfort and heal a broken heart.

So this is how I feel...and this is what I fear...

On March 4th we are going back to see our RE. For the past few weeks there has been a gentle tugging at my heart prompting me to make this appointment. However, I am scared that this time I will be told the one thing I am so afraid to hear.

It has been 54 months since My husband and I first decided to start our family. Those years have been filled with happiness, sorrow, joy, and despair. We have come to understand something very important...God blesses his children with the righteous desires of their hearts, and if you take a step back and for a moment forget about your discouragements, you will see how truly blessed you are.

Current Likes...

This has been a rough couple of weeks! I'm super busy with my calling as Enrichment Counselor. Isabella is acting very much like a two year old, and Jared has been working long hours...putting in lots of overtime.

I seriously need a vacation!

However a vacation isn't likely to happen anytime in the near furute so in the meantime I am finding some things that will help me keep my sanity...at least for a little longer.

This is what I am currently digging:

A Fine Frenzy

I Love, Love, Love this! Beautiful Voice...incredible lyrics.

Next up is this...

Thank you PBS for broadcasting my favorite love stories.

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And last but not least...what would I do without...

Sometimes it's more fun to loose yourself in the middle of highschool drama...not to mention the oh so dreamy Jordan Catalano...than tackle that huge pile of laundry staring you in the face!

So these are my current likes. Someday they may change, but at least they are helping me get through this week:)